It’s spring! Love is in the air as well as the rapidly spreading coronavirus disease! Yes, here at the Centers of Disease Control and Prevention we’re all busy little bees. In addition to trying to save humankind, we’re rolling out our revamped blog to keep you up to date on the hottest pandemic topics and trends. And what’s hotter than love — burning, feverish, “Take My Breath Away,” sort of love? Not much, except a body temperature over 104. That’s why, despite the COVID-19 scare, we’re encouraging all single ladies to keep putting yourselves out there! Lift your face masks to smell the flowers and disinfectant. Get yourself a flirty new blouse. Your future love could be just around the corner — or soon headed to the hospital. You never know! In between testing vaccines on genetically altered lab mice, our relationship experts have issued some guidelines for keeping your cool amid the contagion.
Tips for Dating During the Coronavirus Pandemic
Avoid making eye contact with cute guys in the wild. Perpetuate the delusion that swiping right on your cellphone is the only way to meet men these days.
Opt for provincial men on dating apps. If the “I’ve been to over 50 countries” line on his bio made you want to barf before, now it has a chance of killing you.
While sheltering in place, don’t be overly available for a FaceTime date. There’s hair to wash, living-room yoga to do and banana bread to bake — you have a life!
Go into a virtual date with a somewhat open mindset. His sense of humor and rebounding stock portfolio may make up for his short stature but will not counteract his dry cough and runny nose.
Good on-screen communication is key. If your date says he’s “still feeling the Bern” after swallowing a sip of beer, turn up the volume and ask him to clarify the spelling of his statement.
Don’t bring up your ex or overshare with your date in general — like how Google stalking led you to his off-the-grid cabin by the lake, which looks like the ideal romantic getaway from all this outbreak hysteria!
Men love the chase. Breadcrumb him with texts for week after week as you internally debate if he’s quarantine worthy or just good on paper.
Notice the false sense of intimacy after a socially distanced stroll together. This may be the closest you’ve felt to anyone since going to Whole Foods.
Check in with how you’re truly feeling. Does he bring out the best in you or are you starting to hack up a lung?
You’ve probably ignored all the red flags anyway. Live on the wild side! Slather each other with hand sanitizer and go for it.*
Got the fever? Here’s to hoping it’s only 103. Stay home, drink lots of fluids and bemoan that all the healthy men are taken.
*Disclaimer: This piece was written for humorous purposes only. There’s a deadly virus out there — keep at least a six-foot distance from even the most attractive eligibles.
