• Life

    To Instagram or Not, That Is the New Year’s Question

    On New Year’s day, I hid my iPhone under a bed pillow as though it were a pack of Camel Lights. Since I’d made a 2024 resolution to limit my Instagram scrolling to once per week, it seemed wise to keep that happy-hued app out of sight. Out of sight, out of mind, right? Not really. In moments of downtime before the Rose Bowl, it pulled at my brain like a dangled carrot. Surely I was missing an updated stream of ski trips, gingerbread chalets and perhaps even the jackpot of all holiday posts — a puppy someone got for Christmas.

    In the grand scheme of things, my Instagram usage was pretty low. (Sure, I admit to watching the likes pour in after my scenic posts and enjoying the dopamine hits like a little-red-heart junkie.) Yet, at the same time, I didn’t think my usage was low enough. More than a decade after that fateful summer night when I first clicked share, I’ve speculated that Instagram has affected my attention span. Back in the day, I could cram an entire U.S. history book into my head over a long weekend. Now, I was patting myself on the back for reading fifteen uninterrupted pages of Bonnie Garmus’s novel “Lessons in Chemistry” (which I really need to finish so I can move on to the miniseries).

    Don’t get me wrong, I like to like. I like posts of fiery sunsets, group selfies on chairlifts and even slow-motion golf swings. But there comes a point where the brain on Instagram is taken on so many self-imposed tangents from the rush of images, information and click-bait captions, that figurative smoke must be rising from our ears. In 2023, the Surgeon General released “Social Media and Youth Mental Health,” a twenty-five page advisory you can find online if you’re looking for a little light reading. But what about us adults — aren’t we just grown children?

    During the countdown to 2024, I caught some of CNN’s “New Year’s Eve Live with Anderson Cooper and Andy Cohen” (featuring foreign correspondent John Mayer at a Tokyo cat bar). Amid the giggle fest, Cohen shared that his New Year’s resolution was to spend less time on his cell phone. I’m curious how he and everyone else who aimed for this popular goal are doing on disconnecting. As for me, the Instagram cravings started coming on strong. By January 3rd, I was mentally drafting new rules for my resolution — all I wanted was a little Insta hit. I then tried to hold out by envisioning my future social media-detoxed self radiating a calmness and clarity about life à la Rick Rubin. It was a nice thought, but by January 4th, I completely caved. 

    New Year’s resolutions are made to be broken, or so I justified as I feverishly logged into Instagram, seeking answers to my burning question: What was everyone I haven’t seen in years up to? A wave of relief washed over me as I scrolled through posts of matching Christmas pajamas, European adventures and warm-weather escapes. This is what it must feel like to dive into a vat of ice cream after attempting the paleo diet, I thought — oh, the delicious gluttony. But let’s be real, I did much unhealthier things in 2023 than clocking time on Instagram. Did anyone else binge watch “The Golden Bachelor”?

    I then remembered a “Mad Men” episode where it’s New Years Eve (almost 1968) and snow is falling outside Don and Megan’s Upper East Side penthouse apartment. “I think it’s time we all took a trip to Hawaii,” says Megan to the neighbors after they’ve finished a fondue dinner. Don reluctantly breaks out the slide projector and flips through snapshots of the couple’s tropical getaway. Fast-forward to 2024 and here’s the funny thing — us Instagram viewers are not those obliged dinner party guests. Even without Don Draper, melted cheese and Manhattan skyline views, we are more than happy to view everyone’s home slide show that never ends.

    As for the full story of what Instagram is doing to our minds, I guess time will tell. Like most things, moderation is key. I personally think that slothful scrolling is well counterbalanced by working out — or better yet, the double productive punch of working out while listening to an audiobook. So as I did just that, I scanned the treadmills and pondered how long it would take the sudden fitness enthusiasts to also abandon their New Year’s resolutions. Everyone had been buoyed by a fresh start and those inspirational quotes on Instagram like, “This is going to be your best year yet!” Now, the gym was a bit too crowded.

  • Life

    Vaccinated: A Tale of Patience and the Peloton Bike

    Do you have a history of severe reaction / anaphylaxis to vaccines?

    I’d waited so long to read those words. No.

    The needle jabbed. The bandaid stuck. My cells read the mNRA’s vaccine’s instructions. 

    And there I was, finally a proud card-carrying member of Club Moderna, off to frolic in the land of communal salsa bowls, crowded concerts and forbidden kisses. Or more accurately, I was still sitting under the harsh neon lights of a big-box store’s pharmacy, watching shoppers score deals for once elusive Clorox wipes. The seconds ticked by as I stuck around the required 15 minutes, just to make sure a body part didn’t swell up.

    Other than the sore upper arm that would soon follow, I thought I’d feel more from this triumph of modern medicine — like a rush of jubilation akin to a Mary Tyler Moore twirl and hat throw, or the exhilaration of watching a mid-court buzzer beater shot swish through the net.

    Yet, my non-reaction was a common reaction. In fact, a case of the blahs had become as rampant as house bidding wars among urbanites coveting the suburbs. 

    The pandemic had definitely changed perceptions. Productivity was no longer contingent upon a cubical. Sweat pants sent Brooks Brothers into bankruptcy. And when the NCAA tournament marked the end of a very long winter, “March Madness” better described the flinch experienced when watching two TV characters enter an enclosed room without masks.

    Rewired brain aside, I knew it was not March. That whole “I forget what day it is” schtick had gotten old anyways. Furthermore, my days in post-vaccine purgatory were numbered — 14 days until 80% immunity, 28 days until the second shot, 42 days until getting slingshotted back into the world.

    It kind of felt like the start of a six-week layover in LaGuardia Airport. Yet, loitering over magazines and tubes of fruity Mentos in the Hudson News store was quite palatable when I was holding a one-way ticket to Everyday Life.

    Everyday Life (cue nostalgic music)… I remembered it well. There were movie theaters with sticky floors, subway cars with no place to sit, and hot yoga classes with strangers’ feet so close to your face you could tickle their toes. It was no overwater bungalow in Bora Bora, but at this point, it deserved the cover of every travel magazine.

    Spring had arrived in Connecticut and all around me there was a great awakening. The dogwood and cherry blossoms bloomed as pastel gingham shirts emerged — everyone strolled around like happy picnic tablecloths. Sailboats made an appearance on Long Island Sound. Diners lined the sidewalk of Greenwich Avenue, turning their faces toward the sky like sun-starved plants. Mimosa-brunch music flowed out of restaurant doors. 

    The days dripped by and as my antibody levels rose, Everyday Life dangled in front of me in all its juiciness.

    Until the pandemic, patience really wasn’t something our society was priding itself on. We’re an on-demand culture, with an attitude best exhibited by Veruca Salt’s impassioned performance of “I Want it Now!” in the golden egg room of Willy Wonka’s Chocolate Factory. Need a dog walker? A dragon roll? A date? Everyone knows there’s an app for anything right at our fingertips. We want it now!

    Fortunately, during the indecipherable January to March stretch, I’d studied up on patience by watching “Palm Springs,” a Hulu indie where two wedding guests get trapped in a time loop amid the desert, and repeatedly wake up to the same day. It’s a more youthful “Groundhog Day” with cactuses.

    So I waited for my Hollywood ending…

    And as I waited, I remembered that old adage about how much your life can change in a year. A year ago, I was quarantining my groceries in a sad little corner, under the the fuzzy personal discretion of how long a novel respiratory illness might live on a box of Organic Honey Nut Morning O’s. 

    And now? Now I was asking friends which vaccine they received with the enthusiasm of a seven-year-old asking classmates which teacher they were assigned to for second grade. 

    “Oh, they gave you Miss. M? Me too! Glad I didn’t get Mr. J! See you at recess.” 

    When I crossed the fourteen-day marker and my vaccination reached 80% effectiveness, I wasn’t 100% percent sure what that meant. However, it seemed like the time had come to venture some place I’d never been before. 

    I waited until night fell. Armed with a Clorox wipe, I swung the door open. The small gym in my huge apartment building was deserted. Where was everyone? They were probably busy saying “no” to things they didn’t want to resume post vaccination — like small talk or working out.

    There, what stood before me had become a mythical creature of sorts. I’d heard the stories, but hadn’t yet experienced one. Now, I basked in the technological glory of the communal piece of exercise equipment. Behold, the Peloton!

    I all too remembered my first cycling class nearly a decade ago. Deafening umph-umph music blared in compact bike-to-bike quarters on a way-to-early Sunday morning. A circle of candles glowed around the instructor, as though he were a fitness Buddha. There was little to no air flow. And as the spandex-clad set pedaled with fervor, they were bestowed the spiritual wisdom of the revered instructor who shouted mantras into his headset microphone.

    “Let your hair be messy! Let go of perfection!”

    If I had let go of anything in that class, it would have been my dignity. I envisioned myself fainting to the ground in the stagnant, sweaty air — my feet still clipped into the bike pedals. 

    But that evening, as I saddled up for my inaugural ride on the Peloton, I made a joyful revelation. Instead of acting as high-intensity spiritual gurus, Peloton instructors all seemed to be jockeying for lead singer in a rock band. Making eyes to the camera, they sang with pure heart, if not tune, when the playlist hit their favorite song.

    Time began passing more quickly as I pedaled away for 30 or 45 minutes on some days. (I was not like that woman in the 2019 Christmas commercial.) I soon discovered the surprising satisfaction of beating other Peloton riders on the digital leaderboard. Sure, on one ride you might be getting crushed by a 70-year-old man in North Carolina. But when you pull ahead of another cyclist with seven minutes left and then leave him in the dust? Well, you might as well be sport-car racer Ken Miles (played by Christian Bale in “Ford v Ferrari”).

    Now suddenly, amidst all this stationary bike excitement, the mask mandate was lifted. I didn’t even get to wear my new summer collection. In Whole Foods, I took a double take when spotting noses and lips in the freezer aisle. Then came that momentous day when I hit fully vaccinated status and went maskless in the produce section. I felt downright naked.

    As for my Hollywood ending, it was anticlimactic. At last, I felt motivated enough to replace my watch battery that died last summer. And poof, just like that, time restarted.

    Yet, when I stared at the second hand that now ticked again, the future still felt so uncertain. But if there was one thing the past year reminded us, it was that nothing is ever certain in this life. It never was and it never will be.

    So what was I to do after that thought? Well, I just took another spin on the Peloton. After all, as we reentered society following what may have been the most unimaginable collective experience of our lifetime, there was only one thing I knew for sure — swimsuit season was finally here.

  • Colorado,  Travel

    Almost Roughing It on the Hike from Aspen to Crested Butte

    I’ve never wrestled an alligator, but I have tried to stuff a reptilian-green sleeping bag into the designated zippered section of a thirty-six liter backpack. It’s quite comparable. Suffice to say, despite living in Denver for over four years, I admit (in a hushed voice) that I’m not a camper. That is why the famed hike from Aspen to Crested Butte was my holy grail of Colorado adventures. Stretching eleven miles through the wildflower-filled wilderness, with a midway cross over West Maroon Pass, the spectacular trek would be accomplished in one day. Better yet, it was bookended by two incredible mountain towns where I could enjoy the finer things in life — like a hot shower, pillow-top mattress and the comfort of knowing that I would not be a mountain lion’s midnight snack.

    Yes, after silently backseat driving over the white-knuckle Independence Pass route, my adventure began in Aspen. Aaassspppennn. It’s that little town where a man on the patio of Ajax Tavern once leaned over and told me that my wagyu double cheeseburger and fries looked so perfect they should be in a magazine. Why of course they should — we were in Aspen. It’s the land of twenty-dollar cocktails where I ran across a couple ladies in fur coats squealing in the lamplight that they just saw a bear strolling through town. Or was it just one of their fur-clad friends? You never know in Aspen. It’s where on a dark February night, I cross-country skied with a headlamp down the icy, wooded trail to Pine Creek Cookhouse — and fell yard-sale style with the bravado of a cartoon character. Ahhh, but even that was fun in Aspen.

    Packed puffy jacket aside, it was the summer of 2018 — a warm August afternoon as our group kicked things off on a light note at the Grey Lady, Aspen’s own little slice of Nantucket. With Cucumber Fizz cocktails and heavy pours of rosé in hand, we clinked glasses and reclined on patio couches, taking in the scene. Classic hits played by street musicians filled the air as an older woman’s gigantic diamond ring bobbed up and down through a platter of oysters, crab legs and lobster tails. It was the closest I’d felt to the ocean in months.

    Yet, after a second round of drinks, we ordered the “check, please,” remembering that this wasn’t the weekend to indulge in the revelry of Aspen. There wasn’t enough time to try on Stetson hats at Kemo Sabe, bask in the historical grandeur of Hotel Jerome or carouse in the wee hours amid the neon lights of Escobar. Furthermore, since we only packed the necessities we could carry on our backs, we opted for a dinner locale that matched our casual duds — Ryno’s Pub & Pizzeria.

    Likewise, our digs for the evening at Aspen Mountain Lodge were humble and also welcoming of my friends’ dogs — including Kili, my all-time favorite golden retriever. That’s Kili as in Kilimanjaro — and no, she hasn’t made the ascent. Despite tripping over the pups in the middle of the night, our rooms were comfy enough and the price was right for the occasion. Yet, I echoed the sentiments of the fabulous Phyllis Nefler played by Shelley Long in the 80’s classic “Troop Beverly Hills” — two bathrooms for nine women, that’s what I call roughing it!

    Yes, with Patagucci wishes and Thin Mint dreams, nine of us ladies from Denver and Boulder drifted into the cool mountain air at 7 a.m. the following morning clad in our colorful layers. Fueled by hotel lobby coffee with fake creamer, we beelined toward the Maroon Bells-Snowmass Wilderness, which begins ten miles outside of downtown Aspen.

    (Just so you know, during peak season, private vehicles are only allowed past the Forest Service gate before 8 a.m. and after 5 p.m.. At other times, visitors are shuttled there from the new Maroon Bells Basecamp in Aspen Highlands, which opened during the summer of 2019. That amounts to a lot of Instagrams on the 1.7-mile nature trail that loops Maroon Lake.)

    Thankfully, we cleared the Forest Service gate with time to spare and there they were… Pausing at Maroon Lake, we took in the pièce de résistance — the 14,000-foot Maroon Bells soaring into the sky. Then, after taking a swig of water and tightening the waist belts of our packs, we were off into the wild blue yonder, leaving the selfie takers behind.

    In my opinion, as long you’re in good shape and adjusted to the altitude, one of the most challenging parts of the trek from Aspen to Crested Butte is figuring out the logistics. But then again, after living in Colorado, my red blood cell count far exceeded that of my sea-level living counterparts — which is like being Lance Armstrong-style blood doped in a natural and legal way.

    In terms of the tricky logistics, Maroon Bells lot does offer limited parking for those who go for the gold and do the 11-mile hike back to their cars in Aspen after spending the night in Crested Butte. Yet, a better option is to plan the hike far in advance in order to snag a reservation with Maroon Bells Shuttles (maroonbellsshuttles.com). Athletic powerhouses in this niche business model actually run the West Maroon Trail, pick up your car in Aspen and drive it to meet you in the parking lot of the Crested Butte trailhead. However, since we didn’t have the foresight to assemble a plan more than ten days before the hike, this brilliant service was booked up. That leaves option number three — knowing the right people.

    Fortunately, the best thing I did after moving to Colorado was joining a circle of friends who are lightyears more outdoorsy than myself — a group that knows the ins and outs of many mountain adventures. It’s kind of been like having my own Colorado activity cruise directors, while I’m a wide-eyed guest holding a coconut with a straw and tiny tropical umbrella, nodding “yes” to suggested excursions.

    With that said, just before all logistical hope was lost, a friend who lives and breathes outdoor adventures wrangled the best transportation option of all — the car swap. From her little black book of outdoor enthusiasts, she locked down two groups who happily agreed to do the reverse hike from Crested Butte to Aspen, thus leaving their cars for us at the end of the trail. We’d do a baton-style car key pass off on West Maroon Pass, and to be on the safe side, hide the second set of keys at the cars in Aspen. Voila! (That definitely beats hiring a shuttle service, such as Dolly’s, to schlep us all the way back to Aspen. Though for out-of-towners, the shuttle is a viable option.)

    While the scenery is incredible no matter which direction you choose, hiking from Aspen to Crested Butte is much more uphill and strenuous than the reverse route. Yet, the dramatic narrative is perfection. Act one is the Aspen side. At the Maroon Lake Trailhead, we began at 9,580-feet and climbed through aspen groves before reaching the splendor of Crater Lake, another prime viewing point of the Maroon Bells’ rugged beauty. Located less than two miles from the trailhead, this area is popular with hikers enjoying out-and-back morning jaunts and even small chi-chi dogs.

    Leaving the leisure set behind, our journey continued through the pristine Maroon Bells–Snowmass Wilderness as mountains towered overhead. We hiked for miles along and over a creek with stone crossings, and through expanses of thick bushes before ascending to into the high-alpine tundra. Wildflowers like Indian paintbrush and lupine dotted grasses above the tree line with red and purple. West Maroon Pass, our 6.5-mile midway point loomed above us — it’s accent marking a 3,000-foot elevation gain from the Maroon Lake Trailhead.

    If you’ve ever read Cheryl Strayed’s captivating memoir “Wild”, about her 93-day trek along the Pacific Crest Trail, this is the point on the hike when you’ll start thinking about Snapple lemonade and her 70-pound backpack, which she affectionally named “Monster.” At that moment, I felt like a beast of burden in laughable, pale comparison. Each step during the final steep mile ascent to the top of the pass came with heavy breaths and regrets about frivolous extra weight crammed in my much smaller, thirty-six liter pack. How did my hairbrush make the necessities cut? That’s what fingers are for!

    But, oh — my fear of ledges aside — the theatrical, panoramic view from the 12,500-foot peak of West Maroon Pass was breathtaking! Grand rugged mountains of the hike’s first act lay behind us on the Aspen side, while rolling green hills leading to Crested Butte spoke to a distinctly different act two. Adding to the climax, a dark cloud passed overhead and a light sprinkle fell. Patagonia’s water-repellant “Houdini” jackets in cool hues magically appeared as we also whipped out warm beers for a ceremonious cheers with our car swap crew who perfectly met us in the middle.

    Like crossing into a wonderland reminiscent of the Swiss Alps, the hills were more than just alive as we descended from West Maroon pass into the open valley. Shades of green were speckled with endless fields of orange and lavender wildflowers. Further down the trail, deep tall fields of fireweed created a magnificent magenta foreground against the sharp distant peaks of Crested Butte. Saying we were “among the wildflowers” just like Tom Petty sang feels a bit cliché since I’ve already dipped in to that hashtag on Instagram. So let me go with a little Talking Heads to soundtrack the scene — “Heaven. Heaven is a place…”

    The sprinkle stopped, our Patagonia Houdini jackets disappeared and we marched on through tall grasses as the sun sank into the afternoon. Staying on course despite a couple forks in the trail, the water level receded toward the bottom of our hydration reservoirs as we wound our way through a forest. I daydreamed of orange Gatorade, the sweet nectar of the hiking gods.

    Finally, clocking over eleven miles, we emerged into the dirt parking lot where our swapped chariots awaited — a Jeep Grand Cherokee and a big pickup truck. The most intrepid drivers from our group then took the wheel to navigate the rocky and perilously ledgy Schofield Pass. Take heed — the four-wheel drive and experienced drivers-only warning signs on Gothic Road are no joke.

    Now, our accommodation selection in Crested Butte wasn’t exactly the Beverly Hills Hotel, but the mini shampoo bottles and big comfy beds at the Elevation Hotel and Spa looked pretty glamorous after a trek through the backcountry. (That is why man made beds!) The hotel — another dog-friendly choice — was right at the ski mountain, while the town itself was just a quick ride down the hill on the free Mountain Express shuttle, a colorful school bus painted by local artists.

    No, Toto — or actually Kili, the golden retriever — we weren’t in Aspen anymore. Crested Butte was a down-to-earth haven for outdoor enthusiasts with hippie flair and no desire to star in the society pages. On Elk Avenue, historical wooden buildings showcased a rainbow of shades and boisterous music spilled from Montanya Distillers. In the morning, tents filled with an eclectic array of paintings, carved wood and ceramics would line the street for the annual Crested Butte Arts Festival.

    For dinner we sat around a big table at Secret Stash, the go-to for pizza in town. Moroccan lanterns cast light on a funky room draped with sheer, colorful curtains and a lazy Susan paraded pies in front us. Appetites were huge and the conversation was sparse. Sure, the locals’ hangout, Talk of the Town, would pick up later in the evening, but it seemed like the pups lounging back in the hotel room had the right idea. Those pillow-top mattresses were calling our names, so our troop tucked in early. We were dog-tired and even wilderness girls need their beauty sleep.

    Author’s note: Times have changed since I took this hike in the summer of 2018, as have some spots mentioned in the story.

  • Colorado,  Travel

    Red, White and Breck: Back in the High Life Again

    A few days before the 4th of July, I got on I-70 West, cheering on my old Jeep Cherokee as she whinnied up the foothills like an aging racehorse who refused to be put out to pasture. It’d be my first time up in the mountains since taking a long ski weekend in February, shortly before the gondolas stopped climbing the slopes, concert venues like The Ogden Theater shut down and life in Colorado came to a halt — or as you could put Friday, March 13th in the words of Don McLean, “the day the music died.”

    Yes, back in March it was “bye bye Miss American Pie” — bye bye to warm sunny days of spring skiing when the snow softened up in the afternoon. Bye bye to friends who toted bratwurst in backpacks to throw on mountaintop grills, as a crowd in neon mirrored sunglasses moseyed around in ski boots. Bye bye to riding Chair 4 in Vail above the spectacle of a twenty-something daredevil doing a back flip off the Hollywood Cliffs in a unicorn onesie. 

    But now in July, with Colorado’s pandemic precautions at “Level 2: Safer at Home and in the Vast, Great Outdoors”, the mountains were back, along with I-70 traffic in all its splendor. As I pressed my old Jeep’s pedal to the metal up the incline, barely passing the camper vans with Texas plates, the sprawl of Denver receded behind me. Everything felt new again. It was a feeling of exuberance and relief — like the final scene in “It’s a Wonderful Life” when George Bailey jubilantly runs through the streets of Bedford Falls, after returning to the world he’s briefly departed.

    “Oh hello you wonderful Buffalo Overlook!” I said. “Hello tanker truck only doing 50 mph that I’m now stuck behind! Hello Chief Hosa exit sign and beautiful views of snow-tipped peaks! Hello you Mercedes SUV who just completely cut me off!” Hugs and kisses to you all.

    Anyone who’s driven enough on I-70 West from Denver en route to destinations like Breckenridge, Copper or Beaver Creek knows the landmarks by heart. There’s the quick on-and-off exit by the mining town of Idaho Springs with a couple gas stations and a Starbucks. Or if you prefer more atmosphere with your nitro cold brew, about 20 miles further down the road there’s Plume Coffee Bar in the living ghost town and former mining camp of Silver Plume. Though the haunted vibe is slightly offset by the hip, rustic decor and eco-friendly straws, it’s hard to shake the feeling of not being alone while using the tiny bathroom in the back.

    Personally, I always know that I’m really making progress along I-70 when I hit a section where I lose radio reception and my antenna only picks up a contemporary Christian station. So suddenly I inadvertently go from listening to a Tom Petty or Lumineers radio hit to a country rock ballad about the almighty Lord. Well, maybe I should sing praises because in all the trips I’ve taken on that mountain highway, I’ve never encountered a rock slide, avalanche or errant ski flying off the roof of someone’s Subaru. Yes, thank God I was still in one piece and almost at the Eisenhower Tunnel. Hallelujah!

    Built in the ‘70s, the four-lane Eisenhower Tunnel that runs almost 1.7 miles under the Continental Divide and Loveland Pass is an absolute masterpiece of engineering. It’s also a portal to another world — pretty much the concrete equivalent of the wardrobe to Narnia. In the winter, you can be driving in average conditions at an elevation of 11,013 feet at the east portal and then exit at 11,158 feet from the west portal to a magical fantasy landscape of snow-caked trees and towering, white walls along the highway’s shoulder. The tunnel also serves as a popular topic for small talk and water-cooler conversation in Colorado. How was the tunnel? Was there traffic at the tunnel? Did you make it through the tunnel? Oh no, they shut down the tunnel!

    With the exception of maybe running into a herd of bighorn sheep, the summer driving conditions are much less formidable. Yet, a similar magic occurs in warm weather after passing through the tunnel. En route to Breckenridge, I emerged from the west portal to expansive views of grand, pine-green mountains spotted with snow that were worthy of a dramatic orchestra crescendo. As I made the brake-pumping descent toward Silverthorne and then hit the gas up the incline to Frisco, my bags bounced happily along in the backseat. For a four-night stay, they contained five jackets featuring various down, fleece, waterproof and water-repellent qualities. One must always be prepared when in the mountains!

    Speaking of preparedness, Exit 203 on 1-70 West is the exit of all exits for your mountain vacation necessities. Among a smattering of familiar stores, there’s a Whole Foods that screams, yes, you have arrived! I mean, if I were to actually tell you my favorite store location of an organic foods chain, the Whole Foods in Frisco would top the charts. There’s mountain views from the parking lot, Adirondack chairs crafted from colorful skis and even a dining table inside a gondola. Yes, once again as I made my habitual grocery stop, mountain-life happiness exuded from every blueberry buying, oat-milk opting, high-rolling hippie in the aisles. And even though the gentleman behind me in the socially distanced checkout line was standing too close and had obviously not bathed in a while, I happily cradled my icebox watermelon and smiled to myself. It was good to be back.

    Yes, I was “back in the high life again” just as Steve Winwood sang in his 1986 hit. An hour later I was munching on crispy curried cauliflower on the patio of Aurum Food & Wine, Breckenridge’s mountain-chic destination for half-priced happy hour snacks. It was elevated fare at a town elevation of 9,600 feet— a base level that’s in fact significantly higher than many of its Colorado counterparts. Aurum is especially known for its French onion burger (served with lemon parmesan or bacon-fat fries) that is also on the happy hour menu — which starts at 4 p.m., creating a line at the door. I ordered it minus the chef-prescribed toppings, added ketchup and felt like a heathen.  

    Despite having lived in Colorado for four years, I hadn’t spent much time in Breckenridge. I actually like it better in the summer. Much of my winter mountain time was clocked 45 minutes farther up 1-70 West at its fellow Epic Pass mountain, Vail, where for several seasons I was a part of a ski share condo — which is best described as sleepaway camp for adults.

    Vail is the land of make-believe Switzerland right off the highway. What it lacks in character found in old towns like Steamboat, Aspen and Breckenridge, it makes up for with its exceptional, expansive ski mountain that’s only two hours from Denver — and all of its faux Swiss, Austrian and Bavarian charm. That’s right, even though most of Europe has extended its ban of American travelers, you can still get yourself some schnitzel in Vail. I’ll never forget the night when among his legit international coworkers, a lederhosen-wearing bartender with a Bert Reynolds-style mustache checked on our short ribs with spätzle, asking in a put-on accent, “Is guuud?” 

    “Yes, it is good!” Where are you from?” I asked, trying to call his bluff. Earlier, I’d overheard him admitting that he grew up in Chicago.

    Breckenridge’s charm on the other hand is pure American pioneer. It brings the Wild West spirit of the Gold Rush days to today’s explorers who are seeking their own prizes among mountains — conquering a new trail, catching a trout on the upper Blue River or discovering that secret stash of snow. Nearly 250 structures, featuring Victorian architecture with colorfully painted clapboard and trim, make up the historic district. Along Main Street, there’s spots like the Gold Pan Saloon which has been pouring whiskey since 1873, and the Breckenridge Tap House, in an equally historical building with hewn log walls insulated with newspaper.

    Main Street now has turned into a pandemic-friendly, pedestrian-only thoroughfare. On the Fourth of July, a mask-wearing crowd dodged and weaved around each other and formed well-spaced lines outside of shops and restaurants. Patrons dined at tables in the street under red market umbrellas. Near the far end of town, at the Breckenridge Brewery, a man held his craft beer in the air, backdropping it with views of the ski mountain as an ominous sky threatened an afternoon thunderstorm. Was it the Summer Pils, Hop Peak or Boochie Mama from the draft list? I’m not sure, but I do know that his Instagram money shot took many takes — and probably had just as many hashtags.

    Above town, away from the bustle, sat the house my friend had booked for our crew. It was a log A-frame-style home with a big deck that in the evening offered views through the pines of the sunset-streaked sky above the mountains. There was gas fireplace that looked like a wood-burning stove and a small cow skull on the wall. A huge elk trophy was mounted high above the living room, his antlered head cocked to the side as if he’d heard someone calling his name before the lights went out. 

    Back in the ‘80s, when I was little, the way to find vacations rentals was to circle promising listings in the real estate sections of The New York Times or The Boston Globe. Text space was a commodity so the descriptions would sound something like this: “Btful 3bd/2ba nr beach w/ deck & ocean vws!” What gorgeous brevity! Sounds fabulous! After reviewing a fuzzy black-and-white fax from the owner, unable to discern the couch from the coffee table, my dad would pop a check in the mail, cross his fingers and hope for the best. On arrival day we’d hold our breath, hoping the key would be found under the shampoo bottle in the outdoor shower. 

    Now, the crisp, professional photos on sites likes Airbnb have taken away the vacation rental mystery, just as technology has taken away the ability to truly escape from it all.

    “Looks like you’re in an animal cemetery,” commented my friend’s co-worker during a Zoom meeting. In the video background, she could see the cow skull and elk trophy on the walls of the log A-frame.

    Actually, the house was quite nice and comfortable in a very woodsy sort of way. I have suspicion to believe that a high percentage of mountain-home owners are outfitting their abodes from a one-stop-shopping website titled something like mountain house dot com. Yet, after investigating this inkling, I am disappointed to report that this URL leads to a website that sells freeze-dried, just-add-water meals for camping. This did not fulfill my fantasies of an all-encompassing source for furry bear tapestries and log-hewn bunk beds with trout-printed sheets.

    Under the watchful eyes of the elk, evenings in Breckenridge were spent “safer-at-home,” in the log A-frame, since mingling in town wasn’t an option. Oh, when the pandemic-era world misses mingling, there’s nothing like a few rounds of Bananagrams to cheer everyone up! And when that gets too heated, there’s always gin rummy, best played according to “Gammy’s rules.” (FYI, “Gammy” is in fact no one’s grandmother, but instead an omnipotent card shark who drinks ginger ale, watches game shows and declares that aces are low.)

    Yet, when it comes to less social, pandemic lifestyles, we’re lucky here in Colorado. Not only do we have edibles that taste like gumdrops and peanut butter cookies, but we’ve also pretty much hit the jackpot in terms of wide open space to explore — there’s over 23 million acres of public land. Ironically, you still have to arrive at the hiking trailhead super early to get a parking spot. Is this where the line “I need a vacation from my vacation” originated, I wondered while hitting the alarm clock at the crack of dawn, stumbling towards the coffee pot before throwing some layers into a backpack.

    Avoiding the more crowded trails around Breckenridge, our crew opted for a hike to Willow Creek Falls, in the Eagle Nest Wilderness near Silverthorne. Yes, per the governor’s pandemic orders we were “safer in the vast, great outdoors,” with one minor exception — moose. Fortunately there are no grizzly bears in Colorado, like in Montana and Wyoming, but a close moose encounter is also no joking matter. Before hitting a trail, it doesn’t hurt to review your “If Attacked by a Wild Animal Game Plan.”

    According to Colorado Parks and Wildlife, “​If a moose displays aggressive behavior or begins to charge, run as fast as you can and try to put a large object between you such as a boulder, car or tree.” I still have more questions.

    Though the Willow Creek Falls trail had confusing navigational signs, the creek with sturdy log crossings and the cascading falls were “nice water features,” — a phrase often written by reviewers on the hiking website and app AllTrails. With this verbiage, it sounds as if the vast, great outdoors is actually a mini golf course. Yet, where was the hole with the ever-dubious windmill?

    Another “nice water feature” if you’re in the area is Lake Dillon, which in actually is massive reservoir that draws boaters, kayakers and stand-up paddle boarders. We rented paddle boards from Charter Sports in Breckenridge and accessed the water from Dam Road in Silverthorne to stay far from the wake of boats closer to the marina. Though paddle boarding is lightyears easier in a lake than a bay, you still need to bring your sea legs. Swimming isn’t permitted since the Dillon Reservoir is actually a major source of drinking water for Denver residents — gulp.

    Later on, over at the Dillon Marina, clouds rolled in above the mountain peaks in the distance. At the lakeside tiki bar, we landlocked weekenders soaked in the water views, between bites of fish tacos and sips of tropical cocktails like the Dark & Stormy and Painkiller. Oldies set the vacation mood and the voice of Clarence Henry singing the 1961 tune “I don’t know why I love you but I do,” floated above the red-and-white striped awning.

    There was something about that moment that made me feel so warm and fuzzy inside. Maybe it was just the rum. Or maybe it was the feeling that we’d been transported back to a simpler time with simpler pleasures. A boat’s sail billowed as it caught the cool mountain breeze. A dog napped in the shade of the chair. A stranger in a straw hat smiled as he came off the dock. Despite the hand sanitation stations, there was a lot of beauty in this new, slower-paced world.

    Yes, it was definitely still a wonderful life in the mountains, I thought, sipping on a pineapple, coconut concoction sprinkled with nutmeg.

    Now, if only we could do something about that I-70 traffic back to Denver on Sunday.

    Try the story spots…

    Plume Coffee Bar: Hipster-style hangout with a haunted vibe and specialties like Vietnamese cold-brew coffee, Thai ice tea and breakfast burritos — offered with a side of CBD tinctures. (855 Main St, Silver Plume, CO)

    Aurum Food & Wine: Half-priced, high-brow burgers at happy hour. Say that three times fast and get there at 4 p.m. sharp to score a seat outside at this mountain-chic hot spot. (209 S. Ridge St, Breckenridge, CO)

    Breckenridge Tap House: 37 beers on tap, a Mexican menu and a new pandemic-era patio in a 1873 building that was originally a boarding house. Times have changed. (105 N Main St, Breckenridge, CO) 

    Breckenridge Brewery & Pub: Craft brewery since 1990 pouring light and fruity summer sips like the Strawberry Sky and Mountain Beach. Bar bites are also served in the beer garden. (600 S Main St, Breckenridge, CO) 

    Willow Creek Falls: 5.2-mile out-and-back trail with a cascading waterfall that brings your meditation app to life. Trust the added hand-carved directions on the wooden signs and watch out for moose. (Willowbrook Trailhead, 717 Willowbrook Rd, Silverthorne, CO)

    Charter Sports Main Street Station: Rental shop with SOL Paddle Boards and an adjacent pond for practicing before hitting the lake. These pump-up paddle boards from a Telluride-based company are easily packable and inflate to what feels like a completely solid surface. (505 S Main St Unit C8, Breckenridge, CO)

    Pug Ryan’s Tiki Bar: Waterside deck at the Dillon Marina serving tropical rum drinks and food-truck fare like fish tacos. Sail away on the beachy vibes that mix with mountain views at an altitude of over 9,000 feet. (150 Marina Dr, Dillon, CO 80435)

  • Humor

    Universal Zagat-esque Reviews of Places To Go This Summer!

    Summertime, and the livin’ isn’t easy… Yet, amid our patchwork pandemic there’s now well-ventilated places to go and and people to see! Whether you’re re-entering this brave new world or fazed by the phases of states reopening and still hanging at home, here’s the latest buzz on the “must-try” spots.

    Beach  5 ★★★★★

    Oozing with SPF 50 and “all the nostalgia” of brighter days, this oceanfront oasis with “full sand access” is a “welcome addition” to permitted places as tan lines are taken “to new heights” thanks to the BYOM (Bring Your Own Mask) policy not always followed in a “crowd that bustles with beautiful people”; just watch out for the sharks and “chummy locals” whose “delicate mastery” of the side-eye towards out-of-towners may make even the most “sun-starved” want to cower under their striped umbrellas, but some say it’s all “part of the ambiance” and the “beyond fabulous water views” make the shame spiral “totally worth it.”

    Craft Brewery 4.7 ★★★★

    “You can’t beat” the “table service only” at this “hipsters’ haven-turned-wallflowers’ heaven”  where just barley, hops and yeast are allowed to mingle, while patrons must resort to “great people and puppy watching” from their picnic-table islands, hoping the “ginger-forward” light-brewed ale with hibiscus and lemongrass settles their stomachs after “locally sourcing” way too many spicy tacos from the nearby “fun and funky” food truck; and of course everyone’s saying “hats off to” the American wheat with raspberries and notes of chamomile that “calms pandemic-era nerves” and induces an “out of this world” afternoon nap.

    Backyard 4.8 ★★★★

    “Casual but more intimate“ than its sibling retreat, the porch, this grassy sanctuary “brings Sag Harbor to the suburbs” thanks to the team behind its “innovative yet approachable” design featuring “outrageously fun” decor like a shingled treehouse cottage that has “all the charm of an Airbnb rental” minus the service and cleaning fees, along with an “equally amazing” 15-foot-wide inflatable pool, somewhat deep enough to reenact the underwater scene from “The Graduate” as to not hear the “wildly successful” splashing of the Joneses next door, “famed for their talented children” doing cannonballs off the diving board into their “far superior” in-ground installation.

    Peloton Bike 4.4 ★★★★

    “Like cycling through the Loire Valley in the living room,” you can always get a seat at this in-home “magnet for the spandex set” who were “willing to splurge” for a “modern spin” on a 1980’s finished-basement staple; while Christmas-commercial naysayers are getting “their just desserts”, fans of this “trendy” stationary bike are saying “all hail to the multitasking mom” who can now hold down the chateau since summer camp is canceled, while still getting in 20 miles each morning to burn off evening pours “from French vineyards” thanks to this pedal-pushing “pièce de résistance” that “never fails to impress.”

    Farmers’ Market (Curbside Pickup) 4.8 ★★★★

    It was “worth the wait” to finally hear those three little words — farm to table — at this “sidewalk paradise” that provides the “bagged-and-jarred ambiance” of a Saturday morning stroll past tents of “heirloom tomatoes” and “area-sourced honey” without having to leave the “comfort of your car”; yet watch out for “unique offerings” like the “family-style” cocktail kit that may make date-night “on-point picnic conversations” turn sour like “a bounty of overripe cherries” when boutique spirits help address if an “ambiguous” quarantine cohabitation that lacks the “wow factor” is really “sustainable” post lockdown; after all there’s still plenty of fish in the sea to pair with those “gigantic seasonal zucchinis” in your fridge.

    Front Stoop  3.7 ★★★

    “Everyone finally knows your name” at this “local favorite” even though you’ve lived in the same apartment for years and sat here “every Saturday night” waiting for an Uber “before it became popular”, yet thanks to your massive “not-to-be-missed” daily pile of Amazon packages that “delivers the goods” but is making the building’s entryway “always crowded” everyone’s facial recognition is suddenly as “spot on” as Microsoft’s technology; some say the regulars could “lose the attitude” and just enjoy some neighborly small talk and the “beats in the background” as cars roll by, yet you’ll “keep coming back” because this place is “perfect during the summer” for just chilling and it “makes your feel right at home.”

    Restaurant Patio 4.9 ★★★★

    “There’s nothing stuffy” about this “breezy alfresco scene” where masked guests en route to “reservation-only” tables add “a touch of mystery” to the “cocktail-clinking crews” who are “spaced too far apart to eavesdrop” yet “over the moon” to order from the “well-edited” touchless menus on their cellphones and spritz friends with “scented sanitizer du jour” before diving into “chef-driven” fare that “dazzles the palette” because really anything “tastes gourmet” after three months of “experimental” dinner creations and whittling away the days with “cool, Brooklyn-like” pastimes like making mason-jar kombucha and sourdough bread.

    REI 4.3 ★★★★★

    Shopping is now “a religious experience” as “devotees” flock to this “mecca of outdoor goods” and “sing their praises” to the “well-executed” online-order pickup service that even features “nautical touches” like neon ocean kayaks and snorkeling masks among its “phenomenal” selection of mountain-ready gear to add to “over the top” garage shines of backcountry skis and bikes; there’s really “something for everyone,” and now that a “thoughtfully prepared” phased reopening of recreational “hot spots” from Aspen to Arcadia is underway, both alpine adorers and coastal congregants are “happy to whip out their wallets” and say “hallelujah” to a little weekend worship of sun and fresh air.

    Hair Salon 4.7 ★★★★

    After its “much anticipated” reopening at 50 percent capacity, this “mirrored bastion of beauty”  is “buzzing” with everyone from “distressed blondes-gone-brunette” to “prematurely greying homeschool teachers” who note that the new plexiglass dividers between chairs “are a bit sterile” yet the scene is “still very flashy” thanks to the heads full of silver foils during the “transformative experience” of processing (roots not emotions); however be prepared for “long conversations” since sharable glossy magazines are “totally passé,” and book appointments “before they’re snatched up” say those “in-the-know” because its best to always be ready for a “rather striking” Zoom close-up.

    Don’t see your favorite spot in this ultra-mini-universal-database? That’s a shame. Our team of one only operates during very select summer hours.

  • Life

    Postcard From Home: Wish You Were Here…

    During the first days of the pandemic, I escaped to the curious world of a mega cruise ship — an extremely pampered existence starring conch fritters, fuchsia pant suits and overzealous towel guys by the pool. No, I hadn’t foolishly jumped on a last-minute, cabin-clearance deal. I was simply riding the wake of David Foster Wallace’s famous essay, “A Supposedly Fun Thing I’ll Never do Again” — read safely from my own little land yacht, a couch so white it makes guests sipping any pink-hued drink a bit nervous. (Well, that was in the days of guests. Now, company is the repairman who contaminates my door knobs and indoor airspace.)

    Thanks to an assignment Wallace received from Harper’s Magazine to write an “experiential postcard” from a seven-night luxury sail through the Western Caribbean, the essay is a porthole into the peculiar nuances of coconut-oiled cruise life. Published in shorter form in the magazine as “Shipping Out: On the (nearly lethal) comforts of a luxury cruise,” it was an oddly coincidental reading choice as ship passengers who dreamt of sun-kissed days and piña coladas ended up stuck at sea in a petri dish of Covid-19.

    Fortunately, Wallace’s takeaway from his week aboard a “floating wedding cake” was not a multiplying virus with crown-like spikes, but instead a comically neurotic kaleidoscope for the senses. He smells suntan lotion on “2,100 pounds of hot flesh,” and becomes versed in Fuzzy Navels, Coco Locos and reggae elevator music. He notes brilliant cruisers who inquire if snorkeling involves getting wet, and crushes on his cabin steward, a woman name Petra who wears a perfume of “cedary Norwegian disinfectant” and provides an endless supply of fruit baskets.

    I’ve never been on a cruise, nor have I ever had any interest in setting sail in the close-quartered world of micromanaged fun with a mass of humanity. However, when my March addiction to MSNBC both justified my cable bill and caused my jaw to clench while sleeping, the essay’s fastidiously funny cruise-ship observations were a much welcomed mental escape from the distressing news cycle. One elixir for stress these days is levity — and the comical dose of white-loafer wearing, 90’s camcorder-wielding characters safely eating themed buffet food was just what the doctor ordered.

    In light of Wallace’s “experiential postcard,” I started wondering what a postcard from the past two-and-a-half months of pandemic life would sound like. I’m not referring to the real, frontline postcard, which would tell of the heartbreaking scenes at hard-hit New York City hospitals like Elmhurst in Queens. Those images on the “Today” show made tears pour into my cereal, which really isn’t the best way to start the day. Instead, I’m talking about a postcard from the civilians, us mere mortals whose main duty has been to stay home. Staying home kind of makes me feel like I’m turning gum wrappers into tinfoil balls for the scrap drives during World War II. Doctors, nurses, delivery people and grocery-store cashiers are all risking their health out there, while I’m here loafing around watching “Big Little Lies” season 2. By the final episode, will the secret among the middle-aged mothers of Monterrey come to light? Or will they just carry on status quo in their envy-inducing oceanfront homes? I’m not sure but my figurative tinfoil ball is growing larger by the day!

    Our slide into the new normal was sudden and strange. My postcard channeling the late David Foster Wallace goes like this:

    I have seen The Lone Bellow play at the Bluebird Theater off of gritty Colfax Avenue, blissfully unaware that the curtain on normal life was soon closing. I have noticed a man buttering up a foam yoga block with Germ-X from an economy-size bottle, as though he was putting sunscreen on a baby at the beach. I have followed red dots spreading across the U.S. map like chicken pox in an ‘80s kindergarten class. I have watched Stephen Colbert drink bourbon while performing his monologue to an empty studio audience. I have shifted the blame of my inability to focus from an inundation of Instagram images to the scare of a severe acute respiratory syndrome. I now know the satisfaction of finding several rolls of individually wrapped, 100% recycled bath tissue on the shelf of a small natural foods market. I have said to myself “Sh#t is getting real,” with absolutely no terrible pun intended. I have heard that my friend’s three-year-old son’s imaginary friend caught the virus. I’ve admitted to reading a New York Times article about the breakup of Governor Cuomo and former Food Network star Semi-Homemade Sandra Lee.

    I have been wished “Good luck!” by a neighbor, as though we were in the “The Hunger Games.” I have woken up morning after morning in the same state of disbelief as in the days after Trump was elected. I have seen children with sidewalk chalk turn into life coaches by scrawling positive mantras in pastel colors. I have developed a newfound crush on Jimmy Fallon and his whole adorable family while watching late-night dispatches from their playful house in the Hamptons. I have debated if “Hope you’re doing well!” is still an acceptable email opener. I have crossed the street when an elderly person was coming towards me, as though they were a shadowy figure in a dark alley. I’ve watched John Legend perform a mini concert on Facebook and observed the clutter in celebrities’ Zoom backgrounds. I have perused organic produce among bandana-masked faces who look like outlaws about to stir up trouble in an Old West saloon. I’ve turned my head pretending to be on the hunt for an exotic spice when too many unmasked shoppers were entering my airflow.

    I have felt the hours drip into days that tangle into weeks like the strands of a Jackson Pollock painting. I have avoided watching the Netflix series “Love Is Blind” because it’s Cheetos for the brain — until the Sunday afternoon I devoured six episodes in a row and found them delicious. I’ve heard the animalistic howls released every night at 8 p.m. from pent-up apartment dwellers, and “The Sun Will Come Out Tomorrow” blare from speakers while rogue backyard fireworks take to the air. I now know what coconut curry with veggies and quinoa tastes like when eaten for dinner four nights in a row. I’ve run down the middle of empty streets with my earbuds in, listening to John Prine’s “When I Get To Heaven” and I’ve replayed “Angel From Montgomery” over and over again. I have continued to watch “The Tonight Show: Home Edition” every evening and continued to wonder why I never noticed how cute Jimmy Fallon was before. I’ve laid awake until three in the morning thinking about all the things you shouldn’t let yourself think about. I now know that sometimes it takes a crisis and enough food in the freezer for weeks to bring everyone a whole lot of clarity.

    I’m mailing my postcard from the uncharted waters of “these uncertain times,” the phrase spoken by gentle-voiced narrators in every commercial — especially noticeable when a sports car cruises along California’s coast. “Uncertain” is how I felt in the days of restaurants when I ordered the scallops, but the sea bass that arrived at a nearby table also looked really good. “Uncertain” is not how I feel when a coronavirus vaccine isn’t on the immediate horizon, the tally of deaths in the U.S. keeps rising and our president is off golfing in lalaland.

    According to Brené Brown, the popular research professor known for her study of vulnerability and courage (and her cameo in “Wine Country”), if you don’t name your feelings, “they will eat you alive.” Suppressed, man-eating adjectives sound like the last thing we need right now. So rather than “uncertain,” here in alphabetic order, are a few other descriptors to choose from and voice aloud: anxious, antsy, afraid, concerned, distracted, distraught, frightened, fatigued, restless, sad, shocked, stressed, troubled, tired, uneasy, upset, wary, worried, vigilant.

    Lucky and thankful should be in there too for myself and anyone else who is healthy and has the luxury of indecision about what to watch among a selection of Netflix, Amazon Prime and Hulu subscriptions. What a snafu — escape with a comedy. The world of movies and books is our oyster and in these darker days, a dose of levity helps keep us afloat. If you’d like to bask in the tropical glow of David Foster Wallace’s humorous essay, the shorter version “Shipping Out: On the (nearly lethal) comforts of a luxury cruise,” is available to read online at Harper’s Magazine. Just unfold a deck chair, crack open some canned pineapple and get away for a while. No sea legs required.

    Note: Even if you’re not familiar with the late David Foster Wallace (and have never experienced his tedious, rambling footnotes) you probably at least know of Jason Segel (from “How I Met Your Mother” and “Forgetting Sarah Marshall”) who played him on the big screen. Segel starred as Wallace in “The End of the Tour,” (streaming on Netflix) a fictionalized account of the author’s book tour for “Infinite Jest.” The 1996 novel is still heralded by young men and weighs more than a puppy. 

  • Humor

    Spring Fever: Dating Tips from the CDC’s New Blog

    It’s spring! Love is in the air as well as the rapidly spreading coronavirus disease! Yes, here at the Centers of Disease Control and Prevention we’re all busy little bees. In addition to trying to save humankind, we’re rolling out our revamped blog to keep you up to date on the hottest pandemic topics and trends. And what’s hotter than love — burning, feverish, “Take My Breath Away,” sort of love? Not much, except a body temperature over 104. That’s why, despite the COVID-19 scare, we’re encouraging all single ladies to keep putting yourselves out there! Lift your face masks to smell the flowers and disinfectant. Get yourself a flirty new blouse. Your future love could be just around the corner — or soon headed to the hospital. You never know! In between testing vaccines on genetically altered lab mice, our relationship experts have issued some guidelines for keeping your cool amid the contagion.

    Tips for Dating During the Coronavirus Pandemic

    Avoid making eye contact with cute guys in the wild. Perpetuate the delusion that swiping right on your cellphone is the only way to meet men these days.

    Opt for provincial men on dating apps. If the “I’ve been to over 50 countries” line on his bio made you want to barf before, now it has a chance of killing you.

    While sheltering in place, don’t be overly available for a FaceTime date. There’s hair to wash, living-room yoga to do and banana bread to bake — you have a life!

    Go into a virtual date with a somewhat open mindset. His sense of humor and rebounding stock portfolio may make up for his short stature but will not counteract his dry cough and runny nose.

    Good on-screen communication is key. If your date says he’s “still feeling the Bern” after swallowing a sip of beer, turn up the volume and ask him to clarify the spelling of his statement.

    Don’t bring up your ex or overshare with your date in general — like how Google stalking led you to his off-the-grid cabin by the lake, which looks like the ideal romantic getaway from all this outbreak hysteria! 

    Men love the chase. Breadcrumb him with texts for week after week as you internally debate if he’s quarantine worthy or just good on paper.

    Notice the false sense of intimacy after a socially distanced stroll together. This may be the closest you’ve felt to anyone since going to Whole Foods.

    Check in with how you’re truly feeling. Does he bring out the best in you or are you starting to hack up a lung?

    You’ve probably ignored all the red flags anyway. Live on the wild side! Slather each other with hand sanitizer and go for it.*

    Got the fever? Here’s to hoping it’s only 103. Stay home, drink lots of fluids and bemoan that all the healthy men are taken.

    *Disclaimer: This piece was written for humorous purposes only. There’s a deadly virus out there — keep at least a six-foot distance from even the most attractive eligibles.